Crying Can Bring Healing

So I had a moment where I just had to cry last night in my car. I was on the way home from going to church at Trinity when my mind started to chase rabbits. It ended up chasing one about just needing to talk and have somebody care. It seems like no one really cares about listening to what's going on in my life, except for my mom. My dad does sometimes, but usually he's not paying attention when I do finally tell him or he just gives a lecture or turns it back to him. Looking back on life, it seems like I was always the girl people ran to about their problems but no one wanted to stay to hear mine. I know that's so selfish, but sometimes I just need to get things off my chest and get some encouragement out of it. For instance, this guy keeps texting me first, asking me how I'm doing, but as soon as he can it's turned to all about him. He doesn't even pay attention to what I say because he always turns it around to him. One time I was really going through a hard moment and happened to be texting him when it happened. I was telling him all about, pouring out my heart and soul for about thirty minutes. Being nice, I said 'I'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear all of this,' hoping I would get the response of 'no it's fine, I don't mind.' But instead I got 'you're right, I didn't want to but I knew you needed to talk so I listened. It's a curse I have.' SERIOUSLY??! From that moment on, I have lost a lot of respect for that person. He didn't care what was going on in my life, he didn't want to hear it, but he knew 'it was his curse acting up.' Don't call listening to people a curse when you're listening to that person's problems. I just had to cry about that last night. And also about why God allows all these things to happen, even if we understand our lesson He's teaching us. I understand why God allowed the relationship between me and my ex boyfriend happen, I just don't understand why it had to go to such lengths as to leave me scarred and damaged, feeling like I'm just a piece of crap that no man is going to want. Since my relationship with him, my self esteem has just dropped tremendously. When you're told you aren't dark enough, blonde enough, pretty enough, too big in some areas, too small in others, that everything is about him and not about you for 4+ months, you tend to believe it. I don't understand why all of that had to come with the lesson. I know God has a perfect reason, I just want to know that reason. I had to imagine someone telling me it was going to be okay just to help me compose myself and go inside the house. I know I'm seeking a physical reasurance that I'm not who I think I am when all I need is God's arms and words telling me I'm beautiful. He is everything I need and the only One who can really take this hurt away, I would just like for Him to send it in human form.

Slowly but Surely

So I figured that I can blog on my phone's internet. Very good discovery since our computer at the house takes forever and a day to load anything lol. I'm sure no one really reads these, but it does help me feel a whole lot better. Life is still monotonous, but it's okay right now. I am going to lunch or have some coffee with an old friend that I haven't seen in quite some time, so I'n super excited about that. A long time crush is now semi home (he only has school from Monday til Wednesday so he's home for the weekends) which is also another thing I'm excited about. I'm sure he doesn't think of me the same way I think of him, but that's okay! Doesn't mean I can't at least hope or prayhe does! lol. So I guess my life is slowly but surely changing, and I definitely appreciate it :)

Monotony = Growth

I have come to realize that monotony in life equals to growth in my relationship with the Lord. Unfortunetly, though, I hate monotony. I hate living the same life for more than a year. I like certain changes to happen, including relationships, jobs, vehicles, vacations, trips, things like that. But maybe that's why God has allowed it to enter into my life: so I will trust Him to change my life when He's ready, not me. My faith and trust in God is stretched sooo much during these times of 'nothing new.' Painful? Very much so...but I know in the long run, it will be very much worth it. In the meantime, I guess I'll make the most of what life is right now. I'm still kinda lonely. Keeping kids all day almost every day has it advantages, but nothing in life comes with all pros and no cons. Adult, well young adult, conversations rarely ever take place. I don't meet a whole lot of new people, unless I'm teaching their child for the very first time, but that doesn't count. It's normally just me and....well, me. I guess that's the most monotonous part of my life right now. I'm just ready for my life to change in a good way. I'm ready for something different. I'm ready to stay up late talking on the phone, having places to go on the weekends, and just to have fun. I'm almost 21 and already burned out of work with no life. My 14 year old sister has much more of a life than I do. My 11 and 8 year old sisters have more of a life than me, for that matter. Sad, I know, but true. Maybe that's another reason I've come to hate monotony. For whatever reason it is, God has a perfect purpose for it and will, if He chooses to, reveal it to me at His own perfect timing. I just hope it's sooner than later.